[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY