6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
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Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?