Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
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Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I feel seen.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.