Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
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I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it