[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
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I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing