getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
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Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
me irl
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
scenes of unspeakable carnage
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.