Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
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what could possibly go wrong?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
shit just got real