It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
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I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I can fix him.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end