My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
From my Mom
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space