When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
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Name another movie that mislead you?
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I just love that new Pope smell.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Ha.
me, after any kind of buffet.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
December birthdays be like…
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount