I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
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[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
guys I’m going home
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
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Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.