tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs