marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
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We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I think the cat got the dog high.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
me 2 months after i graduated
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
This bar smells like my childhood.