*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is