My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
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god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Body by Oreos
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
the saddest jazz hands ever
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth