I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
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I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*