It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
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me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.