Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
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My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Saturday
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.