“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me