My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?