waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
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ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.