We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
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[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Yes my dude
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything