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I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.