When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
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ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk