I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
You Might Also Like
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.