Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
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I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”