2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
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“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.