I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
You Might Also Like
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.