Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
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“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.