My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
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“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
If you know, you know
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.