Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
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Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?