*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
*jazz hands*
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what