Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
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*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?