Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
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89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.