“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
After 35, your body ages in dog years
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.