You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
You Might Also Like
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Strange
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.