I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !