imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
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@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Uh oh…
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.