[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
TODAY
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk