Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak