Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Does beer think about me too?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home