I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
You Might Also Like
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.