We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
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Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Everything reminds me of my ex
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.