Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
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WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.