[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
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Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
c’mon!
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.