“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.