Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
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My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
🙂🐾
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit