Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
You Might Also Like
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.