Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My love language is deader than Latin
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great