I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
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My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
mood
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.